Monday before my test, I put up a phrase as my status on facebook, “I think I can.” Yes, I definitely read The Little Engine That Could as a kid, and honestly, this semester I almost lost my willingness to try.
Do you know what is worse than failing at something? Failing at something you feel is your calling. I definitely know nursing is my calling and to find myself struggling with some of the tests was very hard. It’s bad enough when you know everyone is counting on you to do a good job. The pressure I put on myself is enormous enough, let alone when I take on the weight of others ideals for me.
All of that being said, I was feeling like a failure and didn’t want to admit it to anyone, let alone family or friends who expect me to do good. Yes, I know that deep down my family and true friends would still support me regardless of the outcome, but it’s hard when you’re your own worst critic. Heck, I was mad at myself for missing an A on my Patho test by one point, ONE POINT. I should have been happy to have that B considering it’s PATHO.
So yeah, Monday I went into a test having failed the two previous tests. Now, I made a D on both of those tests, but by the standards of normal college grading, I really just made C’s, but this is nursing school, so below a 75 is failing. The test itself was a LOT easier than other tests I had taken, but I didn’t want to get cocky. When you get cocky, you have to eat your words, or at least it seems like I do, a lot.
After the test I found myself questioning my answers and of course, other students supplied me with the correct answers. Once I knew I had missed two questions, I couldn’t listen anymore. I didn’t want to know what I had missed because I was so nervous about my test grade.
We all filed back into the classroom and picked up our test booklets.
First page… ooh I only missed one.
Second page… NONE!
Third…. oh crap 3 in a row…
You get the point…
I ended up missing 6 multiple choice answers, and then we headed into the fill in the blank page. My professor counts off if you misspell a word, so I wasn’t feel nervous because I knew those words like the back of my hand. Sure enough, the only question I missed was a “check all that apply” question.
Through the entire test I was nervous and could feel myself shaking, but once she finished going over the test, I felt myself smiling.
I had passed!
Not just passed though, I had a B.
I felt better, more confident, and realized that for the first time all semester, I was passing all my classes and finally had the strength and motivation to tackle the last 5 weeks of this semester.
This morning I double checked and my grade is still a B. I had to do a Vital Signs checkoff in lab and I did just fine. I’m proving to myself that I really do belong in nursing and that I am right where I need to be. Sure, I won’t do well on every test, but as long as I am willing to fight, I can make it through this semester and eventually, this program.
To all my friends and family: I know I never see you, and I’m trying to make time to hang out when I can. Please understand that I do want to see you, but this program requires a LOT of studying… we’re talking at least 20 hours a week. I’m trying to find the right balance in my schedule, but it’s been really difficult, and well, it seems like everyone suddenly wants to be social with me all the time. I’m having to sacrifice for this, but I know in the end it will be worth it. Thank you for your patience with me and my schedule during this time.
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you CAN do it, becca! thanks for sharing. i think you're going to be an awesome nurse. :)
@Lory, Thanks Lory! It's been amazing to hear people encourage me like that because I definitely feel like it's my calling, but it's so out of the blue from my Journalism degree and some people don't get it. :)